For the Lack of Paperwork
by jellybeansprout
Summary: CRACKFIC. To set Havoc back to rights, his friends do their best to cheer him up. Incredibly slight EdHavoc if you squint and have an imagination.


I must apologize ahead of time for misuse of military ranks and confusion about where this would be in the timeline. It's animeverse and while everyone's still happy.

* * *

**For the Lack of Paperwork** by _ficklepickles_

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Another sigh echoed through the office.

Quietly, Fury slid his chair closer to Falman's.

"There sure seems to be a lot more sighing around here." He whispered, pushing up his glasses conspiratorially.

"Havoc got dumped again." Falman murmured.

"The cute waitress?"

"Bingo."

Fury bowed his head closer to his paperwork. "Maybe he should get a girl that doesn't live anywhere near Central, someone who won't ever meet the Colonel."

From beside him, Breda unsuccessfully stifled a chuckle. "He's better off waiting for the Colonel to get married for all the good that'll do him."

The two looked at each other and flushed bright red, holding in their laughter. Falman seemed to blush for a different reason.

Hawkeye looked up and slammed her hands down. "Work." She hissed.

They shut up immediately, pens scratching furiously. After a few moments of scraping, papers fluttered into stacks. Satisfied, Hawkeye relaxed, but not before throwing a pitying glance in Lt. Havoc's direction.

The blonde man sat slouched in his chair, lifeless. His own pile of papers seemed to only grow, and she didn't have the heart to scold him. However, she would beat the Colonel senseless when he returned from his meeting. Mustang's flirting was becoming more detrimental to their labors than usual.

Havoc had his fair share of responsibilities, and he wasn't able to fulfill them under the present circumstances. Once they finished here, she decided that the four of them, plus Havoc, would need to make a plan.

* * *

"Get Havoc another girlfriend?" Fury scratched his head. "That hasn't worked before."

"I didn't say that." Hawkeye snapped at the Private. "I said he needs a companion that won't be swayed by the Colonel."

"Why not you?" Fury said without thinking.

Three rapidfire bullets later, the Sergeant was unconscious and foaming at the mouth on the floor.

Calmly, Hawkeye holstered her weapon and turned to Falman, the only one who seemed to have "experience" in this matter.

The Warrant Officer raised his hands. "Major Armstrong simply overheard me talking to Sceiska, I had nothing to do with that."

"Back to square one then." Hawkeye muttered, stealing another glance at the unresponsive second lieutenant.

Havoc seemed content to while away the rest of his life in a state of near catatonia, as long as he had had a half burnt cigarette dangling from his lips. In fact, the only time she had seen him move was to light up a new one.

"Think," she snapped, slapping down a fresh sheet of paper. "We need someone who's cute, has a good personality, and can stand against the Colonel." She wrote down those points in a series of quick hard swipes with the pen.

The others pored over it.

After a moment, Breda coughed. "How about two out of three?"

* * *

"Buxom girls! He likes BUXOM girls!" Hawkeye yelled while tapping repeatedly on a hand-drawn diagram of a woman's chest.

The ranked soldiers who stood in line before her did their best not to groan. Being lectured over the importance of breasts was somewhat awkward when performed by a girl, especially one such as Riza Hawkeye.

Fury kicked Breda in the shin. "This is your fault." He muttered.

The chubby soldier managed a contrite look. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

At that, Falman raised a brow. "How? You tried to set up Lt Havoc with a female wrestler. She nearly _killed_ him."

Breda frowned. "She had a good personality, and could stand up to the Colonel. Two out of three."

"Not _literally_," the Master Sergeant groaned. "We weren't looking for someone to _beat up_ the Colonel, just someone who wouldn't be charmed by him."

"Exactly!" Hawkeye chose that moment to interject. "Now, if you men are done conferring amongst yourselves, time for some group effort." She pulled out the list she had written out earlier. To this she added 'smaller than Lt Havoc,' and circled it for good measure.

"There." She thrust the list into the faces of the lined up men. "Study this, commit it to memory!"

No one deigned to comment as to why she was treating them like children.

"Now go out, and _find someone_." Hawkeye then kicked them out and slammed the door shut behind them.

Snuffling softly, Havoc merely sighed as his dwindling spirit floated somewhere outside of his body. The rest of him was in a body cast.

* * *

"This isn't going to work." Breda said.

Fury and Falman shot him a look. "You know, we're dead if we don't bring someone back." The Master Sergeant pointed out.

Falman vigorously nodded his agreement.

"But, how're we gonna find someone cute who won't get picked up by the Colonel. He _does_ go after anything that moves, as long as it's in a skirt."

That stopped Fury. "What if...it's not in a skirt?" He said slowly.

It was Breda's turn to look bewildered. "You mean like pants? Not too many girls wear pants in Central, and I still don't think that it would stop the Colonel, as long as she's cute."

The sergeant shook his head. "No, I mean, Hawkeye never specified that it had to be a _girl_, right?"

Falman held up a hand, not liking the direction this was taking. "Yes, but she also just spent a solid half an hour on the significance for female chest size."

"It's not on the list." As if to prove his point, Fury held up the sheet of paper. "_And_," Fury's voice lilted, "the Colonel won't make moves on a man."

"But what about _Havoc_?" Falman asked. "This _is_ supposed to be for his well being."

"And our workload!" Breda piped.

"Exactly!" Fury's glasses glinted in an ominous way. "Just think of it, if Havoc gets a _companion_," he stressed the work that Hawkeye had originally used, "and gets back up on his feet again, he'll finally get back to work. That way, we won't have to pick up his slack. Also, with no new skirt to chase, the Colonel himself will have one less distraction. Think of the _paperwork_."

"The lack thereof..." Breda said dreamily.

Even Falman seemed moved. "There's still a problem," he said pragmatically. "Two actually."

Fury's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. They were actually considering it. Great!

"What are they?" The sergeant asked.

"Who and how?" Falman replied.

At that moment, an explosion rocked the floor. The sounds of shouting could be heard half a building away.

Fury smiled. "I think we have our next candidate."

* * *

Edward Elric glowered.

Even short of stature, and with his hair burnt into something resembling a half-baked afro, the Fullmetal Alchemist was intimidating.

Breda did his best not to quake in his boots. How he had pulled the short straw, he didn't know. He had a sinking feeling that it had been rigged to get back at him for the 'female wrestler' fiasco.

"Um, we have a proposal." He began.

The alchemist raised a brow and peered past Breda's shoulder. Around the corner, Fury and Falman peeked.

Breda wanted to grumble, so much for a united front. He cleared his throat. "As you know, Lt. Havoc's had a...pretty bad string of luck lately."

"So, what did you want me to do?" Ed asked. His arms had yet to move from being crossed over his chest, something Breda was infinitely grateful for.

The blonde alchemist was always testy after his encounters with Mustang, and they had caught him after he had smashed through one of the heavy double doors exiting the Colonel's office.

"Well, he's not doing so well, and we thought something to break his bad luck with girls would cheer him up."

"You want me to make him a doll or something?" Ed's brows knitted in confusion, then his expression smoothed. "I'm pretty expensive though, think you can afford it." His customary cheeky grin spread across his features. "It'll be badass though."

"No!" Breda held up his hands. "How about, like, a companion."

"That's illegal." Ed said flatly. Slowly, his arms began to part.

Fearing for his life, Breda babbled on. "Nothing illegal!" He almost shrieked, half wondering what the blonde meant by that. "Just someone to spend time with him."

Realization dawned on Ed's features. "And you picked me." Then, "why?"

Breda drew the crumpled sheet of paper Fury had crushed into his hands before fleeing around the corner with Falman.

Golden eyes narrowed as the alchemist recognized the handwriting. "Did that jackass Colonel put you up to this?"

Breda shook his head.

"So, Lt. Haweye's serious."

Breda nodded.

"Ok then."

"What?"

Ed shrugged. "I owe her a favor. Just gotta spend some time with Havoc, right? Cheer him up, restore his confidence in picking up girls, the whole nine yards."

Breda nodded again.

"'s long as he buys me dinner, it's fine." Ed continued. He seemed to be thinking about something. "Hm, cute...the shorter thing kinda pisses me off, but most of you are shorter than Havoc anyways. Well, Havoc's pretty cute himself... "

The soldier could not believe that it was this easy. Dumbly, his mouth moved before he could stop it. "Why?"

Ed grinned broadly. "This'll piss off Mustang won't it? I am so in."

* * *

_end_

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I have no idea where this came from. It doesn't even make sense, but I needed something that deserves a CRACKFIC label. Written in thirty minutes.


End file.
